Diary Entry #1
My heart is full of love to share with the people I care about but sometimes I feel like I give people a handful of my affection that they’re not ready to hold yet.
I sometimes feel like a second rate friend. Like I’m just the extra some people call when they have nothing better to do. I’ve had so many failed friendships in the past, and I haven’t had a best friend since childhood.
I fall too fast. Platonic or romantic relationships, I feel that I enter in so quick, ready to be with the person for life, but the other person sees me as a backup. My heart aches for something it’s only had tastes of.
Back then, I let a friendship die. Now, I feel like trying to make up for who I was in the past, but am I giving too much of my heart too early? I don’t think I should keep it locked up. And as I grew older, I realized that girl wasn’t a good friend anyway.
I’m finally getting over some long time insecurities. I’m building friendships and community. But sometimes, it feels like everyone else is friends with each other but me, and I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. Have you ever listened to Funeral?
I still want to read Normal People. It’s hard for me to pick up books often these days.
I’ve gone to the moon for people who wouldn’t even gaze at the stars for me.
The line about Lydia learning her own insignificance in pride and prejudice haunts me, what about you?
I don’t do the things I want to do.
Some call it executive dysfunction
Some call it depression
Some call it stress
It’s just daily life
People completely miss why Jo is so lonely in Little Women. Her sisters, the family she knows, have all gone their separate ways—and one is deathly ill. Jo is the only sister left at the house, wishing things were like they were when they were kids, able to make plays in the attic and have family dinners together. Because now all that is gone. Meg is married. Amy is in Paris. And Beth is dying. She rejected Laurie.
Jo is my kindred literary spirit in more ways than one.
I’m scared of time.
I’m nauseous tonight.